An Englishman Visits Jahrpan


Jarhpan: It’s near China, and its ruddy not blooming bad!

A small island in Asia few people have heard of was the location of my most recent expedition. Now of course, don’t be embarrassed if you haven’t heard of Japan (pronounced Jarh Pan) as it is quite an unknown country. Unfortunately as they have such a low population rate and their economy and infrastructure never seems to come onto the Western radar, you would be excused if you had never even seen a Japanese person. I myself, working in Central London am not sure if any Japanese tourists do even visit the well known, fantastically advanced, and forward thinking England (see our Croydon tramlink users for further details). But apparently one or two do visit in the peak Tourist times.

Toykyoyo’s busiest train station at rush hour

But I digress, I visited JarhPan in early November; I flew into Haneda airport (one flight in and out a week no doubt) and got the easy to follow subway system straight into their Capital Toykyoyo. A funny name for such a deadly serious and hard lined city.

If fun is what you’re looking for, Toykyoyo is not for you. Drab streets, poorly lit, make the area tough to navigate even for someone so obviously worldly as an English person like myself. Unfortunately, the small city does not accommodate for other languages, unlike in London where we cater to attend to all our tourist duties in the vast expanse of languages we were taught in school.

A silly mistake. Its spelt O-Y-S-T-E-R.

As such, I negotiated myself (solely, as any true Englishman would) through the streets and into a delightful little area called Shibuya. The calm streets, lack of traffic and noise made me think more of the Surrey countryside of which I so often summered in my youth, and i found great serenity within the mix of Toykyoyo. Of course, at one point, I knew I must stop off for a delightful snack (a corned beef sandwich and pork pie were on the mind) but what ho! What did I find in front of me? A plateful of uncooked fish accompanied by a strip of seaweed no doubt found next to this underdone creature.

Being, worldly, unfazed and of course, English, I naturally took this in my stride and eat well over half a mouthful, before which I took my leave for the only Mahcdonalds I could discover in the vicinity. Of course, being English, my taste in food is by far the best in the Empire, especially as I live in such a forward thinking, cosmopolitan city, but of course I found all this very sweet and smiled along with the unfortunately unknown Jahrpanese traditions; and sadly it appears, with their poor electronic advances (most are still reading comics on paper) that they will stay this way for many years to come.

A Jahrpanese Ipad

It’s quite unfortunate really, if only Jarhpan could be a little bit more like England, and stop faffing around with these terribly unenglish traditions. Ah well, at least I took a few shots with a little camera that one of the Jarhpanese people made.

Bless them, it still uses film!!!

DISCLAIMER: This is in no way trying to offend any Japanese people, or any English people, or really any people. Please try not take this article too seriously and just read it for what it is: a silly English person not understanding anything.

written by markfappleton on 2012-03-20 #lifestyle #fuji-natura-classica


  1. onshun
    onshun ·

    Im Jahpanesese and im ofrended.

  2. markfappleton
    markfappleton ·

    The original was much better.

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