[April Fools Day fun! ;]
[FOR IMMEDIATE DISTRIBUTION TO ALL MEDIA OUTLETS WITH FRIENDLY DISPOSITION TOWARD US INTELLIGENCE CULTURE AND SURVEILLANCE MANDATES]
THE NEW WAR ON ANALOGUE PHOTOGRAPHY DETAILED
LOMOGRAPHY INTERNATIONAL IS NOT A CIA FRONT COMPANY
The Dept. of Homeland Security — working in concert with the NSA, the FBI, but not the CIA — is launching an offensive or war on analogue photographic equipment, claiming the “low-fi” and “low-tech” gear is a threat to national security because it’s impossible to intercept images, and those using such cameras are at the fringe and off the grid, thus impossible to track as part of ongoing investigations and other as of yet unidentified purposes.
“Privacy has no real place in the post-911 world, and we would expect our citizens to pull together on the homefront, falling in line, as the nation once did during WWII, less concerned with self, and more focused on the collective,” said Special Agent Red Opaleco.
“What do people have to hide?” added Opaleco. “Griddable, and that’s a word I came up with, devices, or trackable ones, all digital cameras, especially smart phones, our favorite, are necessary to maintain order and sync the soft, trusting nature of the American people, and people all over the world for that matter, with the iron fist of our national security state at home, and similar regimes abroad.”
“These analogue folks are anarchists, essentially, and by circumventing the security apparatus we’ve so carefully created since the rule of George II, aka Dubya, they align themselves with what the great one referred to as ‘evil-doers,’ and are in the truest sense of the term, enemies of the state. They will be stopped. Crushed. Unevilded… "
Deatogue, as the ad hoc organization invested with the power to pursue this new front in the war on ‘evil-doers’ is temporarily known as, points out that the free market has been doing its job already, with camera shops and film processing services “dropping like flies.” “We Ncourag dis & look for maggots,” said an organizational Tweet.
“I would like to categorically deny, incidentally, that we have bought, co-opted, taken over, whatever, the Lomography International firm,” said Opaleco. “There have wildly irresponsible rumors that Lomography is in fact a CIA front, for years. We have no, let me repeat, no relationship with any such CIA fronts. Wait a minute strike that. Seriously. Let’s start again. Siri: new graph.”
“I would like to categorically deny that we, the CIA, or any other US and/or foreign intelligence agency in fact runs Lomography International,” said Opaleco. “So people can relax with regard to any sort of ‘lojack,’ or other tracking hardware or software, including collusion with Flickr and other social media companies. So clearly Lomography isn’t our most valuable asset, just in this particular campaign or war, if wou will. Huh? Do you really think people don’t know already? How [censored by unknown] can they really be?! Offices all over the world… Right! Fine! Strike, delete, whatever… Siri: new graph!”
“The new rules of jingo, in this particular case, dictate that if you must indulge in the dangerously murky world of analogue, we have no problem with you buying Lomography cameras,” said Opaleco. “But there’s no ‘invasion of the body snatchers’ scenario with regard to a takeover of Lomography in order to prosecute the new war on analogue photography. It was so much simpler than that, although it certainly would have been feasible. Oh, and uh, Lomography remains an independent entity, not a front at all… cut, cut, cut! Send this over to the PR cogs for cleanup and dissemination. Is our account current at Edelman? Weber? Whatever. Dewey & Phükem will be fine. I think Howe’s dead. That wasn’t us… was it? [sigh]”
For press inquiries, please contact Red Opaleco at R.Opaleco@cia.sshhh.gov or Corrina [last name withheld] at firstname.lastname@example.org.
Hello, Red. Shall I file your copy in “cool nefarious schemes,” or “cluster [censored by unknown]s?”
[censored by unknown] yourself, Siri.
Very well. Red has private time, and now Siri does, too. Wink, wink.
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