I'm gay. And? Why does it matter?


This is me. A girl. Swedish. 24 years old. What do you see?

Credits: lighttomysoul

Can you see that I’m gay? And if so, how do you feel about it? Do you feel, or does it not matter to you? And if it does matter, why?
I’d say it doesn’t define me or who I am, but if I had been heterosexual instead my life would probably be different, so I guess it does define me.

It’s hard for me to see the big deal about it, because looking back I can safely say that I’ve always been gay. Homosexual. I hate the latter word. It sounds degrading to me; like I can’t be a part of the group that holds the rest of mankind, like I’m being shunned or am different somehow.
I’m only different because society made it so.

It is in no way a choice to be gay, just to make that clear.
I’ve never woken up with the thought in my head “Are you hetero or homosexual Mikaela? You must decide right now and it shall define your life. There’s also the option of bisexuality. Go on then, decide!”
It just does not work that way.

Furthermore, and this is the reason why I’m writing this out right now:
Just because I happen to be gay does NOT mean I like every single female on this planet. Nor am I attracted to every single girl I see.
Many girls in high school had this ridiculous notion as soon as word got out, and it still happens today that people I meet believe this.

I like girls for who they are, for what they have inside, I like persons, not girls. I’m sure this is the case for almost everyone. It’s all about the personality.
Even so, I just can’t find myself sexually attracted to someone of the male sex.
This may or may not have something to do with disturbing events in my childhood which I will not discuss in detail here, but I’ve just always found myself attracted to girls.

More times than I want to count, have I lost someone because THEY thought I was interested in them. Which I never actually was, I just thought they were a great person.

And I feel that life is too short to bullshit around – if someone makes you happy, SAY IT!
Say whatever you want and everything you feel, don’t hold anything inside because that’s not better for anyone, and if it doesn’t get received well then the problem lies with the subject, not you.
That is what makes me sad.
You are an amazing person, so why can’t I say so without feeling fear of being misread? If I think you are great and want to get to know you better, why do I feel a need forced upon me to pull the reins on myself and my eagerness to make things happen and do things?

It’s almost the same as that “date rule”(although I don’t know if that’s just in movies or happens in real life too), where you should wait at least a day or two after the date to call the person up again if you liked them, just to not seem too eager and pushy?
What is that, what kind of a mental person made that up anyway?
I say F that! If you like someone, then just go for it.
We don’t have that much time on this planet, and I’ve wasted countless years of my life by not saying how I feel, by being scared of what others are going to think.
I don’t care anymore!

Except… I do care. I just wish I didn’t. I wish it didn’t hurt when I lost someone due to presumptions.
I wish it didn’t hurt for me to see in another persons eyes how I “change” to them, when they find out I’m gay.

I wish that it didn’t matter if I’m gay or not, and most of all I wish for people to stop presuming things that quite possibly aren’t even real.

I also wish when you say it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t make a difference, that you actually MEAN it.

For some reason it’s not okay to be open, to show excitement, to be eager, to be gay and think that a girl is really fucking awesome without an underlying desire to want something more.

And most of all it’s not okay to say it, to say all of this.
Because I’ve tried. I’ve done this before. I’ve been here before. Too many times.
I long for the day when openness is cool. It’s hard, but cool. Appreciated.

I can’t hold things in anymore. I did until I was 18, and then I realized that it would be the death of me, literally. So one day I opened the floodgates and started rebuilding my entire self, and since then I can’t hold things in – no matter how difficult they may be for others to hear. I honestly choke.

I had to get this off my chest.
I’m just me, just this, just gay, and it’s really not a big deal to me. And I hope it’s not to you either.

written by lighttomysoul on 2011-04-20


  1. disasterarea
    disasterarea ·

    All I care about is that you feel happy in your own skin, and you keep sharing awesome photos.

    So you go girl!

  2. lighttomysoul
    lighttomysoul ·

    thanks man. I actually feel much better now that I've got it out of my system. and hence I wonder if I should delete it now or let it stay up.... because now I gotta brace for impact. (man, I've watched too much Battlestar Galactica)

  3. grey
    grey ·

    to be what u wanna be

  4. zoezo
    zoezo ·

    if someone makes you happy, SAY IT! ....

    You make me happy!! with your quirky ways and super duper excitement at everything!
    All hail Mikeala/AGENT M/lighttomysoul
    (see how medieval that was)


  5. dabai
    dabai ·

    the most important thing is that you are happy :)

  6. disasterarea
    disasterarea ·

    It's a really thoughtful and moving article, straight from the heart, so dont delete it.
    And hey! You don't care what anyone else things, right?

    One of my yoga instructors is gay, and I dont frakkin' care because he's just amazing. If people think you're also amazing then it wont matter either.

  7. disasterarea
    disasterarea ·

    ...in fact, all my friends are amazing...you dont just have to be a gay yoga teacher to qualify for awesomeness.

  8. earlybird
    earlybird ·

    i MEAN, it`s doesn´t matter for me . for me it makes you more friendly that you say it loud and proud: I live my live my way! respect!!

  9. yeahyeahyeahh
    yeahyeahyeahh ·

    it shouldn't matter. we're all who we are and just as amazing. what's important in my opinion is that you are happy and enjoy your life.

    it makes me soo frustrated and angry sometimes when i meet people who don't understand that there's nothing wrong with being gay. one of my best friends is gay, and i never expected it to affect our friendship, and it doesnt. i dont feel uncomfortable around her, and i don't know why some people would. it's not like they are attracted to every guy/girl they find nice and fun.

    be yourself, you seem amazing! :]

  10. onlyechoes
    onlyechoes ·

    You are amazing just the way you are and I'm sorry that you have to go through this crap. I truly hope that one day no one has to deal with all this prejudice and presumptions. YOU KEEP ON BEING YOU, because you are the greatest. <3

  11. lightblue
    lightblue ·

    i don't care and i mean it! just be happy! :)

    moreover, i normally have great admiration for gay peple. Because i imagine life must not be easy with the prejudice of others! So you need to be even more awesome, sometimes, to go through this :)

  12. orangeuke
    orangeuke ·

    If you are happy, the world will be happy with you. I'll write a more in depth comment when i hav the chance :)

  13. pomps
    pomps ·

    I think one should be honest and expressing feelings is something great! although the other person response is not what one may expected or may be they act different towards us. As you say "We don’t have that much time on this planet" so it's great to share our love to the others! those who don't get it is because they don't feel the very sense of sharing what we do feel. You're surely going to meet more people who really don't care and sees your soul!

  14. vicuna
    vicuna ·

    "'And in the end, the love you get is equal to the love you give".... to quote the Beatles ;))
    The only important things are love and happiness, and the rest is just made of details with no real importnace... :))

  15. natalieerachel
    natalieerachel ·

    As long as you are happy doing what you want to do, that's all there is to it :)

    I have a gay friend, and he is amazing and hilarious. He doesn't go to my school, but I wish he did. You go girl, hang in there!

  16. madc
    madc ·

    i think it's important you brought this thing up!
    be happy and live your life!

  17. awesomesther
    awesomesther ·

    Hey Mikky, I love you yeah. For you, for being brave, and you're so fucking awesome. And sorry if I weren't allowed to say that word... But whatever. ;)


  18. awesomesther
    awesomesther ·

    But I must say... a whole lot of ppl say it's okay as long as it's really who you are... but somehow you know, some of them, don't mean what they say. They are just trying to be "cool" about things. and then, they look at you differently. They treat you differently... Srsly, those ppl need to grow the F up.

    okay /end rant. :p

  19. cornborn
    cornborn ·

    I love this! I agree with everything you said, as well as most of the comments. I'm also gay, yay!
    Never lose your positive attitude and keep speaking your mind!
    Thank you for sharing!

  20. copefan
    copefan ·

    religion - colour - sexuality these are the things people think matter but they don't it's just a case of being happy in yourself.........

  21. disasterarea
    disasterarea ·

    Congratulations on getting user blog of the week :)

  22. maxwellmaxen
    maxwellmaxen ·

    i think the world is wrong for people needing courage to stand to their sexual orientation.
    i mean, we always tell everyone that we are modern and so on, but at school, as a friend introduced us her girlfriend, the people went berserk.
    i cant understand that.
    i mean, a good friend of mine is gay and nothing changed as he told us. he is just a very cool dude.
    and why should people be scared of this? i mean, it is, for me, even a bit flattering. isnt it?

  23. tallgrrlrocks
    tallgrrlrocks ·

    Some of my most cherished friends are gay. There's only one of you, and you are YOUnique the way you are :)

  24. saidseni
    saidseni ·

    I once had a friend that was gay but she never told me. I found out later when we didn't see each other anymore. I think the reason why she never told me was because she thought I'd judge her. That is the most offensive thing any "friend" have done to me. So, I'm really happy to find someone that is not afraid! Go girl! (:

  25. kneehigh85
    kneehigh85 ·

    I love this article. I'm not gay, but always getting in trouble for being too open with people and I love your thoughts on openness - the world would be a better place if we all got everything off our chests with no fear of reprisals.
    Well said!!!!

  26. melodamyus
    melodamyus ·

    openness is cool. i wish there wasn't a stigma attached to it. being open about myself and my feelings has gotten me in a lot of trouble in the past, mostly because other people didn't know how to react. i've lost friends that way. it's sad. we'd all be so much happier if we could just be more honest with each other. no good comes from bottling things up inside. i'm glad you posted this, it's nice to see other people feel the same way about it as i do.

  27. lomo-mitch
    lomo-mitch ·

    "If you are happy and you know it clap your hands...." All jokes aside, this is the first article/photo etc. that I've seen exploring a negative aspect of society. (only been member of the lomo society for a week now...) Please don't shoot me down..But it would be cool to see photos capturing other emotions such as pain, suffering etc. As opposed to "dreamy" photos all the time. We are human and all experience negative things. Shouldn't we document or share these aspects of life as-well? If not, aren't we giving a very lopsided interpretation of our realities through the medium of film?

    In short respect for expressing your true self in words! Would be cool to see photo's that encapsulate what you feel inside.

    Keep Lomo'ing...

  28. eva_eva
    eva_eva ·

    just be yourself. and be happy :) you are so cool Mikeala! :D

  29. hatetofakeit
    hatetofakeit ·

    Mikeala you totally rule.. your blog is awesome, being open is awesome, talking about what you're thinking is awesome... alright that's enough of that... but really i have to hope that one day it wont matter at all if your gay or transgendered or whatever.. as long as you're a good human. and i refuse to get married until they allow all people the right to wed :)

  30. clickiemcpete
    clickiemcpete ·

    Love is a precious thing in this world and who we choose to love is none of anyone's business but our own. I'm proud to live in one of the few states where gay marriage is legal and I think it's great.

  31. lomo_saltado
    lomo_saltado ·

    Be true to your heart!!!

  32. kdstevens
    kdstevens ·

    Thanks for sharing! Really, I think you have to love yourself before you can love anybody else. Coming to terms with your sexuality is critical to finding self love.

  33. lighttomysoul
    lighttomysoul ·

    @kdstevens: thanks! and I agree. but, for me at least, it wasn't so much "coming to terms with my sexuality" as it was "coming to terms with the fact that my sexuality differs from the majority and therefor others saw it fit to think less of me"...
    I was fine, I've been gay all my life (I can see that now looking back), it's others who weren't (and aren't, but I don't care about those anymore) and that's what I had to come to terms with.

    I think that's more or less what everyone not straight has to come to terms with: you're different from the norm. It's only "wrong" because people make it so. If no one cared, there'd be nothing to care about.

  34. boogieroxx
    boogieroxx ·

    What Ever makes you happy :)

  35. lakandula
    lakandula ·

    Thanks for sharing this. Go girl!

  36. nancyfu
    nancyfu ·

    I like it, it's great to hear somebody talking about such an important thing.

  37. nural
    nural ·

    And I feel that life is too short to bullshit around – if someone makes you happy, SAY IT! ... soooo true! And most of you wrote has nothing to do with being gay actually, its how we all feel, at least I do most of the time... I'm not gay but I still care how people see me, what they think of me, if I matter to them... you put it into works in such an amazing way... I donno how it is in Sweden, in Turkey people can't really go out and say it even if they are so but I don't see what the big deal is! Thats just your choice, you shouldn't be judged by that... Some people are homo-phobic and I think I'm just the opposite!
    And you are brave to share your story with us....

  38. eila
    eila ·

    Just came across this and y'know I'm gay. Personally I've never ever had any problems from people, no one ever really cares, lots of people ask a lot of questions, I get the wide-eyed "so.. ermmm... what do you... do?" Which is always funny, and I'm more than happy to have a chat and give them a lesbian sex ed lesson haha. I love my girlfriend and I don't care what people think, if they don't like it, then they can just look the other way.

  39. stevebarberoffice
    stevebarberoffice ·

    Hang in there... speaking from experience, having an unconventional sexuality gets easier and easier as life goes on. be yourself, trust yourself and you will find the right people to have around you.

  40. lydiap
    lydiap ·

    Please don't delete this blog. It hits a nerve and I for one am sick of people who I have known for years now look at me differently. Yes we like girls, no we don't like every single person with a vagina in the world.

  41. peteparker
    peteparker ·

    great post! go ahead girl! ...

  42. jenbo
    jenbo ·

    thank you for sharing. i can only imagine the pressure and hardships you have faced in your life thus far... we humans can be real ignorant about people who looks/acts different from ourselves. i know sometimes i am myself. so sorry for all the crap you have to face. but again, thank you for sharing this and helping me be more aware!!

  43. marjanbuning
    marjanbuning ·

    You Go Girl!! You are not a freak or whatever they call us anywhere in the world we are human!

  44. marieta
    marieta ·

    I like it!! Be yourself and be happy... how you said, the life its very short and its necessary to enjoy it. Congratulation!!

  45. marieta
    marieta ·

    I like it!! Be yourself and be happy... how you said, the life its very short and its necessary to enjoy it. Congratulation!!

  46. marieta
    marieta ·

    I like it!! Be yourself and be happy... how you said, the life its very short and its necessary to enjoy it. Congratulation!!

  47. marieta
    marieta ·

    I like it!! Be yourself and be happy... how you said, the life its very short and its necessary to enjoy it. Congratulation!!

  48. carolinep008
    carolinep008 ·

    you go girl!! good for you!

  49. guinastrapazi
    guinastrapazi ·

    wow i really admire it that you kepp it up.. i think there a lot of people out there who aren't able to say what they feel or feel ashamed when they speak it our loud,.. or write it.. i wish you all the best, with your life - and don't listen to people who discriminate people with other sexual orientation, it's everybody's one decision :) my respect, really :)