This is me. A girl. Swedish. 24 years old. What do you see?
Can you see that I’m gay? And if so, how do you feel about it? Do you feel, or does it not matter to you? And if it does matter, why?
I’d say it doesn’t define me or who I am, but if I had been heterosexual instead my life would probably be different, so I guess it does define me.
It’s hard for me to see the big deal about it, because looking back I can safely say that I’ve always been gay. Homosexual. I hate the latter word. It sounds degrading to me; like I can’t be a part of the group that holds the rest of mankind, like I’m being shunned or am different somehow.
I’m only different because society made it so.
It is in no way a choice to be gay, just to make that clear.
I’ve never woken up with the thought in my head “Are you hetero or homosexual Mikaela? You must decide right now and it shall define your life. There’s also the option of bisexuality. Go on then, decide!”
It just does not work that way.
Furthermore, and this is the reason why I’m writing this out right now:
Just because I happen to be gay does NOT mean I like every single female on this planet. Nor am I attracted to every single girl I see.
Many girls in high school had this ridiculous notion as soon as word got out, and it still happens today that people I meet believe this.
I like girls for who they are, for what they have inside, I like persons, not girls. I’m sure this is the case for almost everyone. It’s all about the personality.
Even so, I just can’t find myself sexually attracted to someone of the male sex.
This may or may not have something to do with disturbing events in my childhood which I will not discuss in detail here, but I’ve just always found myself attracted to girls.
More times than I want to count, have I lost someone because THEY thought I was interested in them. Which I never actually was, I just thought they were a great person.
And I feel that life is too short to bullshit around – if someone makes you happy, SAY IT!
Say whatever you want and everything you feel, don’t hold anything inside because that’s not better for anyone, and if it doesn’t get received well then the problem lies with the subject, not you.
That is what makes me sad.
You are an amazing person, so why can’t I say so without feeling fear of being misread? If I think you are great and want to get to know you better, why do I feel a need forced upon me to pull the reins on myself and my eagerness to make things happen and do things?
It’s almost the same as that “date rule”(although I don’t know if that’s just in movies or happens in real life too), where you should wait at least a day or two after the date to call the person up again if you liked them, just to not seem too eager and pushy?
What is that, what kind of a mental person made that up anyway?
I say F that! If you like someone, then just go for it.
We don’t have that much time on this planet, and I’ve wasted countless years of my life by not saying how I feel, by being scared of what others are going to think.
I don’t care anymore!
Except… I do care. I just wish I didn’t. I wish it didn’t hurt when I lost someone due to presumptions.
I wish it didn’t hurt for me to see in another persons eyes how I “change” to them, when they find out I’m gay.
I wish that it didn’t matter if I’m gay or not, and most of all I wish for people to stop presuming things that quite possibly aren’t even real.
I also wish when you say it doesn’t matter, it doesn’t make a difference, that you actually MEAN it.
For some reason it’s not okay to be open, to show excitement, to be eager, to be gay and think that a girl is really fucking awesome without an underlying desire to want something more.
And most of all it’s not okay to say it, to say all of this.
Because I’ve tried. I’ve done this before. I’ve been here before. Too many times.
I long for the day when openness is cool. It’s hard, but cool. Appreciated.
I can’t hold things in anymore. I did until I was 18, and then I realized that it would be the death of me, literally. So one day I opened the floodgates and started rebuilding my entire self, and since then I can’t hold things in – no matter how difficult they may be for others to hear. I honestly choke.
I had to get this off my chest.
I’m just me, just this, just gay, and it’s really not a big deal to me. And I hope it’s not to you either.
written by lighttomysoul on 2011-04-20